What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 08:53
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Magnetic fields appear to be as old as the universe itself. What created them? - Space
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Can people who have never met you tell if you are a covert narcissist?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Ive learnt so much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What caused North Korea to go poor when at first it was rich?
I have no regrets .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I will be 64.
Especially a lifetime of it.
This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I said to her
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She found it foreign!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I think the readers, may guess!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Comes on , in middle age.
What did i know ?
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I waited trembling.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So whats the point in blame.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
All the time i was locked up.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My family never makes their pension either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My life is so biszare .
It was going to be , some day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Who then, do I blame.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
She married twice! .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I write beautiful poetry .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So, i spoilt her more .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
She was in good health!
I don,t even have a pension.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was scared of men, in general
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were not on the streets..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it wasn’t much.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We all went to grammer schools
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She loved him until the end.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.